The (Personal) Calculus of Death

My father and I shared many mental characteristics in common. Dunno how much was nature and how much was nurture.

Given my own predispositions, I wonder what level of conscious decision-making went into his (early by the standards of both sides of my family) death. I mean, part of what keeps me going is the obligations I've assumed. I made a promise, several years ago, to see after Donna to the best of my ability. The most objective measure of that is "financially". I know that, probably far too frequently, I'm not the best "person". So, I can't really rely on my mere presence or company to be a good yardstick by which I am best "meeting obligations". Many times, I feel my own presence to be of greater detriment than gain - only slightly offset by what my current earning-capacity makes available. From a pure longevity standpoint, it might be a good thing that I haven't cobbled together enough in the way of assets, savings or insurance to reasonably suppose that whatever "estate" I'd leave behind would be sufficient to realistically carry Donna through to her natural end.

It makes me wonder whether my father entertained similar thoughts? He, essentially, left himself die at age 62. Yes, he was sick. Yes, his heart was, obviously, not in the best of shape. But, given overall awareness of family coronary history, being medically trained to recognize the signs of heart attack, etc.. The fact that he died, on his couch, of a very obviously long-in-onset heart attack removes any real doubt that there wasn't an element of "intent" to his exit. I can only imagine that, as he got sicker, he'd run the calculations over, more than a few times. I imagine that he looked at the balances in his savings, my mom's savings, his insurance policies, the cost of living where they did and the likely longevity of my mother (possibly even factoring in my likely willingness to "help out" as needed). I imagine that, at some point, the balance sheet said, "at this point, if you go, things have a reasonable likelihood of working out". And, then, when the time came, with that knowledge in the back of his head, he just "let go."

It's not the passing of the years that I mind. Dates are just numbers. Birthdays are just another date, in the grand scheme of things. That said, I don't want to become old, sick or infirm. I just want to exit relatively gracefully. I want to be in full control of my faculties and my physicality. The daily pains are already here, but they're manageable. They're more of a level of "noted, now carry on". However, at this point in the actuarial probabilities spectrum, I don't really have enough in assets, savings and insurance to have reasonable  assurance that Donna won't, eventually, be left in a state of need. If and when the that threshold is crossed, then I'll have to re-evaluated my priorities and my timelines.