I, Zombie?

It wasn't until I'd gotten off the Depakote that I realized how much of a zombie it had turned me into. Even better, the people who had noticed, never really said anything about it until after I'd made note of how different I felt off of it. Um... Thanks for looking out for me, guys.

I feel like I may be back in a similar boat. Right now, it feels like I feel nothing. I mean, I do feel things (I think), I just don't seem to give a fuck. Everything's just kind of "meh". It's kind of a "noted, now carry on" sensation.

I don't know whether it's the Keppra, the fact that I have to psychologically numb myself (to just how much I hate where I am and need to be, professionally) just to get through the damned day, a combination of the two or something else, altogether.

I mean, I still get angry. No matter what's going on in my life - how "alive" or "numbed" I was - the anger has always managed to burn through. I guess it's the one constant. Fortunately, I've mostly been able to channel that. Though, I no longer really have the positive outlets for it any more, as the avenues I used to channel it into either just aren't there, any more, or the reward for the effort no longer feels worth it. So, I'm mostly left with impotent "prickliness" - don't want to be touched, bothered or intruded upon. My personal space bubble has gotten absolutely HUGE, lately.

At the end of the day, it makes me feel like just not bothering. It feels like, beyond taking care of the obligation structure I put in place for myself, there's no real point/reward/benefit for doing anything.

The first go round of this (read "late teens through late twentiess"), I would go out, drink myself into a stupor, do self-destructive things, hang out with toxic people, etc., ....all in an effort to feel something. Maybe, this go round, age and experience have shown me that such activities are both counterproductive and don't result in any more sensation or reward than doing nothing. And, frankly, "doing nothing" is a lot less expensive - on so many fronts - than desperately chasing the sensations that never come.