Sunday, August 8, 2010

Thanks for the Scraps

When you've got a garden that has fruit-type plants (e.g., tomatoes) and you have squirrels, you have the same situation you do at an office that has donut days. That is, invariably, you'll find a half-eaten object of food just left sitting.

I get that some people only want to eat half a donut. Whatever. If that's how you control calorie-intake, then "fine". What I don't get is why they think that any other random person in the office is going to want to leave the half a fucking donut they left behind. I don't get why they think that the prospect of a overly-handled, half-eaten donut - no matter how neatly cut - is at all an appetizing prospect. I'm not George Costanza going for the eclair on the top of the trash-pile and I'm not some street person who likes to dig in a dumpster for food. You handling the food and leaving half of it sit is just about as appetizing a prospect as cherry-picking scraps from the return trays at the cafeteria on on the busboy's pile.

Still, it could be worse. At least the idiots that leave the half donut (generally) think they're being nice. The fucking squirrels, on the other hand, are just bastards. I genuinely don't have a problem with critters taking stuff. I don't live or die by its being there. What I do have a problem with is when those fuckers yoink a nice, just-ripe tomato off the vine, eat the heart of of it, then set it on top of the fence or on a railing, leaving it like some kind of giant "fuck you: I'm stealing your stuff" totem. It really makes me want to go out and buy a pellet-gun. I want to catch just one of the fuckers, cut its head off and post it as a warning to all the other varmints that want to think about leaving half-eaten foods sitting about.

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